I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
