Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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