We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
