i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
