so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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