new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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