it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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