I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
