a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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