the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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