The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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