my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
