8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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