Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
