I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
