here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
