Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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