you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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