i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
