I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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