what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
