the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
