Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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