I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
