i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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