Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
