dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I still have a little drunk in my system
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
