Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
