Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
