I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he thought i was a dude.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
