if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
