im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just invented taco cereal.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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