Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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