does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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