when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
