Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
