my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
