He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
