"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
