my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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