so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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