Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
pop tarts are not kleenex
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
