ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
