You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
