the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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