sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
