Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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