So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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