Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
