You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
