burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
