Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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