I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
