last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
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He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
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I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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