Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
