i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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