I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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