dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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