I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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